Slow Down Go Deeper

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Are we missing the power our experiences hold for us because our attention is scattered, so we feel overwhelmed and as a consequence only superficially engage them?  How often are we in such a rush to accomplish something and move on to the next thing that we are left feeling depleted and on a treadmill with no off switch?  Exploring our experiences more deeply may not seem a priority compared with the relentless pressure to succeed in school, build a career, raise a family, or run a business, but could this just be our unconscious conditioned habit? What if engaging on a deeper level supported us in our endeavors rather than becoming one more thing on the ‘to do list’?

Let’s explore why we would want to engage our experiences on a deeper level and then how to give it a try.

Slowing down and going deeper when we are already too busy may seem counter-intuitive, but by immersing ourselves in both our inner and outer experiences we will find we get where we want to go more quickly and with less stress by stepping into the flow of life.  We are also able to reclaim the freedom and sense of wonder we experienced when we were young.

If that is true, why we don’t go deep?

  • We’ve forgotten how
  • We think we already understand everything perfectly and don’t realize we are acting unconsciously
  • We are afraid of what we’ll find because in order to go deeper we must connect with life in a way that might expose our vulnerability
  • It seems like too much of an effort with all the other responsibilities we feel burdened by

When we are young, our natural curiosity prompts us to ask questions that get to the heart of what we are experiencing. We are fully absorbed in wonder at the simplest of experiences and often blown away by the answers we find.  Then as we grow up we are taught to judge ourselves, others, and all our experiences as right or wrong. For most of us, the answers become a choice between black and white in order for us to make sense of the perceived duality of our existence.  Each of these choices, then, becomes a ‘truth’ in our belief system.  The more we accept this duality, the less inclined we are to question the reality we create going forward.

The fallout of this static process is the loss of nuance and depth that connects us to everything animate and inanimate. The more we defer to unconscious thoughts, behaviors, and actions, the more we forget that all our experiences, if explored, have the potential to infuse us with the vital life force that effortlessly reveals the wonder and joy that creates meaning.

How do we begin to live more deeply?  We take the time to notice both our outer and inner environments.

Start small and think of a time when you slowed down enough to really notice something.  Maybe it was a particularly insightful comment from a friend that stopped you in your tracks because of the power of the truth it held, maybe it was a bite of food that made you put your fork down and savor the intense flavor, maybe a night sky so full of stars you got goose bumps, or a silence so profound you felt connected to everything.  It is in these experiences that we transcend the superficial to feel power, wonder, and joy. Many of us assume these feelings are isolated and rare events, but they are available in all our experiences if we refrain from judging, are curious as to why they are showing up, listen for the messages they hold, and allow them to be just as they are without trying to change them.

We can also develop a practice of exploring our inner experiences to help us make sense of the outer ones. I often hear people say they’ve tried consciousness-expanding practices such as meditation but then go on to insist that it’s not for them or that they couldn’t sit still. This resistance might be a consequence of our sound byte, on demand culture, but regardless of our tolerance for stillness and depth, it is an option that’s available and effective if we choose to explore it.

There are as many ways to engage a meditative practice as there are people, so think about the things that have previously put you in a space of restful non-thinking and explore ways to reactivate that environment.  Have fun exploring it, but once you find something that helps you shift, it will be important to commit to the practice to feel its deeper centering, grounding, and expansive effects.

By taking the time to notice life, read its cues, and absorb its messages, we become aware of our own energy. We become acutely tuned in to when it is low, high, engaged, or distracted.  We are naturally focused, open and receptive.  We stop forcing our own agenda on the world and stop resisting life. Once we are aware of ourselves we can learn to sense the energy of the people and situations around us and choose how to engage most effectively.

You may be thinking it is unrealistic to think about paying so much attention to every inner and outer experience you have, but I am suggesting you start with one area of your life or one relationship. Explore it deeply, with curiosity and see what shifts for you.  If your experience adds richness and makes you feel more alive, try it in another aspect of your life.  Follow the flow of where your urge to go deeper takes you.  Why not share your experiences with others while you’re at it?  That is another way to go deeper in your relationships.  Notice how much more connected and supported you feel and compare that with feeling overwhelmed, stretched too thin, and alone.

It’s not about results. Results will come with engagement. It is a process of finding ways to live in each moment as it unfolds and learning to shift from resisting what presents itself to saying YES to life.

How Do You Handle Uncertainty?

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When we are unsure where a particular path will lead, when unforeseen events take us by surprise or even when difficult people push our buttons, powerful emotions can be triggered. If we allow it, the uncertainty of how to handle things can create intense feelings of fear, doubt, stress and anxiety.  How do you react when you find yourself out of your comfort zone?  Do you retreat from these feelings, push them away, lash out, panic, or become paralyzed by them?

You are not alone!

When we perceive something as a threat, it is a normal reaction for our fight or flight impulses to kick in.  These reactions evolved for our survival and take place instantaneously on a subconscious level.  The thinking brain is bypassed and messages go straight to the amygdala, which is the emotional center of the brain that can only react based on previously stored patterns. These signals flood the body with hormones that result in short-term increase in strength, concentration and faster reaction time.  This is appropriate for survival, but the trade-off is that it affects our ability to think clearly, make decisions, and closes us off to alternative perspectives and opportunities.  It is also well documented that our health can be seriously compromised if we remain in this ‘stressed’ state for extended periods.

By allowing these unconscious reactions to dictate our experience, we often either default to perceiving ourselves as victims blaming anyone we can, including ourselves, or reacting in anger because we are not prepared for and resist what we have to deal with.  Many people, if asked, would insist that losing their temper or feeling a ‘victim of circumstance’ was the only possible reaction given what happened to them.  Unfortunately, indulging this type of thinking and behavior only amplifies the feeling of helplessness by giving unnecessary power to our emotions.  However impossible it may seem ‘in the moment’, if we are honest with ourselves, we know we always have a choice.

Rather than unconsciously surrendering to instinct, the challenge and the solution become learning to develop the presence of mind to evaluate perceived threats, choose appropriate responses and create new patterns of thought, emotion and behavior. This is a learned skill and requires effort to become second nature, but that is a far cry from not having a choice.  The trouble is most of us were never taught how or why to engage this process, or even that it is possible.

How much more effective would we be if we engaged our natural curiosity to look for meaning in our experiences rather than resisting what is and allowing fear and other emotions to drain our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energy?

The benefit of this strategy is two-fold.  First, if we are awake to the fact that we have options and can consciously choose, we make better choices that reflect who we are and what we stand for.  Second, by engaging and learning to interpret these emotions with curiosity, we become conscious of the lesson we need to learn to move forward.

As we explore the idea of making conscious decisions, it is helpful to start by asking ourselves what we are resisting. There is most likely something unconscious that wants to surface that will keep showing up until we deal with it.

Think of a situation in your life that seems to plague you.  Do you seem to be attracted to the same type of person over and over even when you know that person is not good for you?  Do the same people show up in your life with different faces but the same qualities that irritate you?  Do you find yourself in the same financial situation despite all your efforts?

Try asking yourself:  What do I need to acknowledge, understand, and view differently before I can let this situation go and not have to feel this way in the future?  It can also be helpful to get centered, find some quiet time, and even journal what comes up for you to help you process it.

Remember: What we resist, persists.

By becoming aware of and integrating what our emotions are trying to teach us we can learn to neutralize that negative charge.  We certainly need our emotions to point the way, but if we adopt an attitude of curiosity it can even be fun in the sense that we learn to take ourselves less seriously while at the same time we are more effective in every area of our life.

This process constantly pushes us out of our comfort zone, which our ego resists, but that is precisely the space where growth happens.  It also takes courage to show our vulnerability by admitting we need to change, not a situation we cannot control.  But if we want a different result we must learn to listen and speak with our hearts and allow the message to surface, be acknowledged and transformed into energy that will empower us.

In many cultures this is known as the path of the Warrior.

Here are some tips to remember when uncertainty shows up:

  • Let go of the victim thinking.
  • Don’t resist – be okay with what is.
  • Listen for the messages, especially from your body.  Ask yourself why it is showing up and what do you need to do.
  • Be open to new ways of experiencing life.
  • Practice!
  • Keep track of your progress.  It is a process, so don’t beat yourself up.

By learning to flow with uncertainty, we detach from the emotional charge that fuels the fear, doubt, and anxiety that cloud our perception.  Without these we have a clear lens with which to see the message that is waiting. Then we can begin a dialogue with that part of ourselves that we have been avoiding.  Once we establish this relationship, we will have found an ally that will help us to create new response patterns and to let go of what is holding us back from a more engaged experience of life.

What Face Do YOU Show The World?

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Is it the carefully crafted, success-oriented ‘Social Media profile’?  Do you change colors like a chameleon depending on the company you keep?  We all do to some extent.  But do you also present the more nuanced, multi-dimensional persona that reflects what you stand for even in your most exposed moments?

While society and our own ego certainly tell us that presenting the polished self will serve us best in our über-competitive world, the intention of this post is to delve a little deeper. We’ll explore a way of being that is natural and ultimately our most powerful ally as we both make our mark in the world and do it in a meaningful way.  Our heart and deepest intuition will always point us towards Authenticity. It is liberating, empowering, and it enables a clarity that allows us make the most effective choices for who we are.  Sounds good, right? Interestingly enough, we often do not take advantage of this way of being because it can elicit strong emotional responses in others and push us out of our comfort zone by allowing others to see us at our most vulnerable. Still sounding good to you?

Let’s take a closer look at the concept of ‘being authentic’.

A while back, I was at a retreat for the Board, Faculty, and Staff of my daughters’ charter school and the facilitator asked the group what we thought human beings fundamentally want? We gave our best guesses and then he shared his answer.  ‘We all want to be Known, Valued, and Inspired’, he said.  As I mulled over that statement for the truth it might hold, I found it resonated deeply.  How true does it feel for you?

Think about the environment at your current job, a previous one or any social situation.  If you were known, valued, and inspired by your employer and your colleagues, how would it feel to come to work every day?  How would it affect your level of engagement in the work you do?  Take a moment and imagine that scenario, however implausible it may seem.  Then compare it with how you currently feel about your job?

If you like what you see in your imagination, the question forming on the tip of your tongue may be; what can I do to experience being more known, valued, and inspired?

Or you might be thinking; if my boss, colleague, spouse, or friend, could only say or do X, then I would feel that way.  For many of us, blaming others is a normal but conditioned reaction, and the ego loves it because it absolves you of responsibility.  But if you are honest with yourself you know that waiting for others to change or trying to change them is not an effective strategy.

That leaves you with the one person you can change for the better; yourself.

Learning to express your authentic self is the cornerstone for unlocking the creativity and contribution the world is waiting for.  You may have heard the expression; the point where your gifts and interests intersect with the world’s deepest needs is your calling.  And living your calling implies authenticity. But what does it really mean to be authentic?

When we are authentic, we have clarity about our values, pursue our purpose in life by developing the gifts and talents we possess, and move towards the vision we hold for our future with persistence and in the face of fear and rejection.  I told you we were going deeper.  We may have even begun to explore three of life’s biggest questions:

1. Who am I?

2. What do I stand for?

3. What contribution will I make?

If we don’t really know ourselves, how can we be authentic?  Here are some starting points as you engage this process of reflection.

Being versus Doing

There are two primary ways of engaging the world that help us navigate life: ‘being’ and ‘doing’. In which mode are we more authentic? Let’s take a look at both and see what conclusions we can draw.

Who are we when we are ‘being’?

We are present, receptive, and aware of our essential nature. We have a clear sense of our values and life purpose.  We allow life to be what it is and do not resist what comes into it. We embrace each moment as a learning experience.  We see the opportunity that even the most challenging experience can offer us when we are open to receiving the message.  We release anger and victim energy knowing we can only control the sail, not the wind. We choose how we respond.  We are curious and engaged.

Who are we when we are ‘doing’?

We are taking action, accomplishing goals, and expressing who we are.  We are creating our reality by carrying out the physical expression of our dreams and imagination. We are engaged in our communities and actively shaping our future.

‘Doing’ does have a ‘dark’ side, however.  If you do not have clarity about who you are and what you stand for, there is a good chance you are taking action, not because you are truly engaged, but because you are trying to meet the expectations of others or your own.

Three helpful questions you can ask yourself are:

1. Am I saying to myself, ‘I should…’ or ‘I want to…’?

2. Am I choosing from a place of love or fear?

3. Why do I keep putting X off or doing too much of Y?

Another reason we do things that are out of alignment with who we are can be because we do not want to disappoint others.  ’Trying to please’ people is a normal reaction and on the face of it, sounds like common sense.  But is it the most effective response we could have?  Does it allow others to learn to fully express who they are?

Who are we to decide that someone else doesn’t need the experience of being disappointed?  Maybe by being our authentic selves, we enable others to learn to handle disappointment in a way that will help them evolve into a stronger, more resilient people?

So, for me, the answer to the question is that both ‘being’ and ‘doing’ are essential to being authentic as long as the ‘doing’ is in alignment with who we are.

So how can we become known, valued, and inspired?

Gandhi famously said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”.  One of the most effective strategies that will put you on the path to becoming known, valued, and inspired is to acknowledge those qualities in others.  Make a commitment to recognize the people in your life, let them know how much you value their contribution and inspire them to do even greater things because of your support.

It takes courage to express our deepest, most intimate selves. But as we step into that powerful place, we notice the world change around us in miraculous ways.

I will leave you with one final thought:

People will judge you no matter what you do, think, or say.  Why not allow them judge the real you?

Are Your Relationships Thriving?

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Why is it that certain relationships and situations create high levels of stress and anxiety? Every time they arise you tell yourself you will handle things differently, but before you know it your buttons get pushed and things spiral out of control.

There is a concept that will make your interactions with people and situations seem effortless and put you on the path to thriving in every aspect of your life.

It’s known as the ‘The Witness’.

You can think of it as learning to step outside yourself to see what is happening as an impartial observer. It is an aspect of yourself that is free of emotional entanglements and can see things with clarity. Becoming conscious of and embodying the ‘Witness’ means learning to be aware of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors ‘in the moment’ and then consciously choosing the most appropriate response to a given situation rather than allowing habitually-conditioned reactions, based on past experience, to choose for you. Simply put, ‘responding’ is a ‘conscious choice‘ and ‘reacting’ is an ‘unconscious choice’. Both are necessary and have their place, but the reality is that most of our choices are unconscious.

Here are some characteristics of both:

‘Unconscious reactions’ are normal; it’s how the brain works and we’re lucky to have them. When you learn a new skill your brain integrates the thoughts, emotions and behaviors associated with it and then puts that ‘reaction’ on autopilot for similar scenarios in the future. It’s a remarkably efficient function in the sense that if you had to remember everything, every time, and in every scenario, you would be constantly overwhelmed. However, in complex interpersonal interactions it is much more effective to choose the best response for the current situation rather than allowing a reaction based on similar experiences from the past to make the choice for you.

Your reactions from the past may have been the best solution you were able to come up with at the time but are they really appropriate to what you are facing now? Think square peg in round hole. Whether you are conscious of it or not, you have learned from your past experiences. Since you have a choice, why not put that experience to good use by learning more effective ways to respond? If you don’t update your reactions, any number of the following can do damage to you and your relationships:

• Unnecessary victim and anger energy that reinforces a ‘me versus the world’ perspective
• Stress and anxiety that leads to physical, mental, and emotional issues
• Disempowerment that stems from a loss of personal control
• A need to judge others as wrong in order for you to be right
• A lack of respect for diversity of thought and for the people who represent those differences

The other option is to cultivate ‘Conscious responses’. We are so used to being on autopilot in so many aspects of our lives that we resist the idea that a choice in how to respond even exists. But it does. Your mind likes its habits, and will come up with an infinite number of rationalizations as to why your current reactions are just fine the way they are. If they are truly effective, however, why do they cause so much stress and anxiety? Learning to consciously choose means doing things differently, and yes, it requires effort. But like learning any new skill, the more you practice the easier it gets. You learn to control your emotions so they don’t control you.

You may be saying to yourself, I do consciously choose how I respond! Well, there is an easy way to find out if you’re right. Ask yourself how your current strategy is working out? Are your relationships thriving? How stressed are you? How in control of your life do you feel? Are you living in the flow of life or struggling?

Often we think we are making conscious choices when we are really holding a current situation up against our belief system. If it matches what we believe we feel validated, if it doesn’t we reject it. This is not to say we should surrender who we are and accept others’ ideas and behaviors when they conflict with our values. Embodying the ‘Witness’ is simply a way to help us shift our perspective, explore what is really going on, and give our relationships the chance to thrive no matter what the challenge is.

As you gain greater control you will find that conscious responding embodies the following qualities:

• A perspective where there is no need to prove yourself ‘right’ and the other party ‘wrong’ to ‘win’
• An ability to see a situations from another’s perspective and even multiple perspectives
• An openness to all situations as learning opportunities
• A curiosity as to why the relationship or situation has shown up in your life at this time
• The satisfaction and confidence that comes with knowing you are in control and do not have to experience the stress you used to feel
• A high probability of win/win interactions and solutions
• An ability to embrace difference of any kind as an opportunity not a threat.

Simply knowing we have a choice is the first step in the process.

Here are some ideas to help you learn to make more conscious choices:

• At the end of the day, think back on what went well in your day and give yourself a pat on the back for the situations you handled well. Then think about the things you wished had gone differently. What would you do differently next time, and why?
• Over time, reflecting on how you would like to respond, perhaps even journaling about it, you will notice that even though you might not have acted the way you would have liked in a given situation, you are starting to see what you could have done differently right after the event happens. And even begin to catch yourself ‘in the moment’ reacting when your buttons get pushed.
• Don’t beat yourself up when you only realize after the fact that you would have liked to have responded differently. The point is that you’re catching yourself, and the more you find yourself doing that, the earlier you will begin to be conscious of how situations are affecting you.
• Whether or not you catch yourself in the moment or later, it gives you the opportunity to tell the other person that you didn’t respond the way you wanted to and what you really meant to say was…
• When you acknowledge to another person what you would have liked to have done differently in challenging situations it has the effect of making your relationships stronger because you are speaking from the heart and not the ego, which, always needs to be right and win

Don’t take my word for it. Try it for yourself, see how it affects your relationships, and let your experience be the judge.